Things I wish someone had articulated to me way earlier

There was a time when I believed exploring was synonymous with living correctly. That time has recently passed. My past self, when she encountered someone who expressed this view, had been confused but too scared to ask. Scared because it was too difficult to ask in a way that masked her suppressed but very real disapproval. I don't need to ask anymore, but as an exercise, I'll try to provide an answer that would've resolved my confusion back then.

I love my bubble. If a deity descended before me and offered to fill my future with the past few days, I have to admit that I'd take that deal without a moment's hesitation. If I had to guess why, it's because I'm convinced life is all downhill from here.

I understand why my past self would've been too scared to ask, if this was the answer she'd received. It sounds so bleak. A statement that screams, "Caution! Spiral incoming!" Even today when someone shares a dismal thought, I worry that probing further will cause them to feel significantly worse, even though conventional wisdom says that talking about it will do the opposite.

I wish there was someone who could've anticipated the way a conversation like this would've panned out, and therefore taken the initiative to reassure me that it's not as negative as it sounds.

Framed differently, these days I'm so content with life that I wonder if it's the work of self-delusion. I have everything I could ask for. Very little feels missing. I can't even bring myself to feel guilty over it. I'm not opposed to venturing outside my bubble, comprised of thoughtful friends, stable family, and the love of my life. But when I do, I'm noticing more often that what I find doesn't draw my curiosity the way it used to. It very well could be my curiosity that's withering. I cling to small proofs and reassure myself otherwise. Either way, the fact is that exploring doesn't bring the same benefits as before.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Benefits. The reason I barely fulfilled my Bachelor's degree requirements and opted for a patchwork curriculum instead. Speaking to my past self, you ultimately justified breadth by pointing to a better possible future. What you didn't anticipate was your definition of "better" getting narrower as time went on. Whether by stunted ambition or spiteful selfishness, I can't say I regret the change. At some point I sacrificed sacrifice and I'd like to believe I'm happier for it.

All downhill from here is one way to put it. It's clickbait: technically true but not quite accurate. There's an element of dreading the future, yes, but it's overwhelmed by a deep appreciation for the present. Exploration brings change. Back then, almost all the changes I experienced were positive ones. Nowadays they swing and sweep the spectrum. And loss is stronger than gain.

The way the math shakes out, I hope it makes sense why I've drawn the conclusions that I did. If it's any consolation, there would've never existed a world in which I made zero sacrifices to live in it. In this one, I happened to sacrifice my penchant for tumultuous change so that I can better commit to the people I care about.